Why Your Spending Isn’t Just About Money: Trauma, Coping, and Financial Healing
If you’ve ever stared at your bank balance in disbelief and thought, “What’s wrong with me?” - you’re not alone.
I used to think I was just bad with money. That I lacked discipline. That other people were naturally good with saving and budgeting, and I simply wasn’t wired that way.
But over time, I began to realise: it wasn’t really about the money. It was about how I was feeling - and what I was trying to soothe.
Trauma Leaves a Financial Trace
When you’ve been through trauma, whether it’s emotional, financial, relational, or physical, your brain and body find ways to cope. Some of those coping mechanisms become patterns. And for a lot of us, those patterns involve spending.
Here are a few ways trauma responses can show up in our finances:
1. Compulsive Shopping
Buying things gave me a rush. It made me feel in control, even if it was just for a moment. A new top, a new lipstick, something pretty for the house - it all felt like I was fixing something, even if I wasn’t. I wasn’t chasing stuff. I was chasing relief.
2. Guilt Spending on Your Kids
I couldn’t give my child the family I thought she deserved. But I could buy her the toy she asked for, or say yes to the ice cream, or the new shoes, or the special treat. Guilt made me loosen my boundaries - even when it hurt my budget.
3. Emotional Eating (and Delivery Apps)
On days when I was anxious, exhausted, or emotionally flooded, cooking felt impossible. Takeaways became my crutch. The cost of takeaway adds up fast - but it felt like one of the only ways I could care for myself when I was barely holding it together. Ultimately, it was hurting both my budget and my health.
4. Gambling and Buy-Now-Pay-Later Schemes
Whether it was Lotto tickets or Afterpay, I was drawn to the idea of getting what I wanted now. Trauma robs you of control - and these things made it feel like maybe, just maybe, I could get ahead quickly. Spoiler: I didn’t.
5. People-Pleasing Through Money
I’ve said yes to dinners I couldn’t afford. Bought gifts I didn’t need to. Spent money to keep the peace or prove I was good enough. It’s hard to set boundaries with others when you haven’t yet learned to set them with yourself.
Why It Makes Sense (But Still Hurts)
If any of this sounds familiar, I want you to hear this: you are not lazy, or stupid, or irresponsible. You were surviving. You were coping.
These spending patterns made emotional sense. They gave you temporary relief. They soothed the pain. But over time, they likely created more stress, more shame, and more instability.
And that’s okay. Because now you can choose something different.
What Helped Me Shift
I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly become a budgeting queen. It started with small things:
Looking at my bank account without flinching
Tracking spending without judgement
Pausing before I hit “buy now” and asking, “What am I really feeling right now?”
Creating budgets that weren’t restrictive, but empowering
Understanding when I was feeling emotionally triggered and having a coping mechanism all ready decided - i.e. going for a 5 minute walk
Awareness without shame is the first step. Then comes curiosity. Then comes choice.
You Deserve Better Tools
If you’ve experienced trauma, your brain is wired to protect you. To seek safety. To avoid pain. That’s why some of your financial behaviours may have developed - they were trying to help.
But now you’re in a different place. You’re healing. You’re growing. And you deserve coping mechanisms that nurture you and protect your future.
That might look like:
Journaling your spending triggers
Getting support from a therapist or coach
Talking to friends who understand your journey
Learning about money in ways that feel safe and empowering
You’re Not Broken
Your past does not make you weak. It makes you wise.
You are not bad with money. You are not beyond hope. You are not stuck. You’ve just been surviving - and now, you’re learning how to thrive.
