Rebuilding Your Worth After Financial Abuse
Financial abuse isn't just about controlling money - it's about controlling you. It seeps into your sense of self, making you question your worth and capabilities. But understanding its impact is the first step toward reclaiming your power.
The Deep Impact on Self-Worth
Experiencing financial abuse can lead to:
Eroded Confidence: When every financial decision is undermined, you start doubting your judgment.
Learned Helplessness: Constant control can make you feel incapable of managing your own affairs.
Isolation: Without financial means, social interactions dwindle, leading to loneliness.
A study from the National Network to End Domestic Violence highlights that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases, underscoring just how prevalent and damaging it is. Financial abuse doesn't just limit your freedom; it chips away at your self-esteem, mental health, and ability to plan for the future.
The Single Mother's Balancing Act
For single mothers, the journey to regain self-worth is deeply tied to the challenge of balancing childcare with career aspirations. In New Zealand, the burden of care still falls disproportionately on women - impacting their earning potential and long-term financial security.
Personally, I know this all too well.
In early 2020, I returned to Aotearoa with just my child and a suitcase. I had no money, no car, and no real plan - just a deep need to create stability for my daughter. I stayed with my parents, tried to piece myself back together, and slowly began rebuilding.
I remember one day, shortly after we arrived, trying to gather enough coins from my mum’s change jar to buy myself a coffee. I was 10 cents short. A kind stranger paid the difference, and I was so ashamed I nearly cried. That moment - sitting in a café, pretending everything was okay for my toddler’s sake - was a turning point. I knew I had to take action.
I was struggling with symptoms of PTSD. My self-worth was at rock bottom. I didn’t feel capable of making good decisions, let alone managing money. But I started small. I learned to budget. I found free counselling. I attended a $60 webinar about saving money (which felt like a huge investment at the time). Slowly, things began to shift. Today, my career is back on track and my finances are looking so much better.
Rebuilding Your Self-Worth: Small Steps, Big Changes
Healing and empowerment don't happen overnight, but each small step counts:
Set Achievable Financial Goals: Start with manageable objectives, like saving a small amount each week or creating a simple budget.
Educate Yourself: Utilise free resources to build your financial literacy and confidence. Organisations like NNEDV and Surviving Economic Abuse offer excellent starting points.
Seek Support Networks: Connect with communities that understand your journey and can offer guidance and validation.
Prioritise Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your mental and emotional well-being. This doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. If you’re a time-poor and financially stretched mum, self-care might look like:
Drinking your morning cup of tea while it’s still hot
Saying no to one extra obligation this week
Journaling one sentence before bed about how you feel
Taking a five-minute walk outside to breathe and clear your mind
Watching a funny video or listening to a podcast while folding laundry
These small acts aren’t indulgent - they’re essential. Each one is a quiet reminder to yourself: I matter too.
Importantly, recognising how trauma affects your worldview is part of the healing. The "shattered assumptions theory" explains that trauma can shake your fundamental beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you. After experiencing abuse, you might feel unsafe, unworthy, or unsure of who to trust. Rebuilding your self-worth means gently, gradually, rewriting those internal beliefs - replacing shame and fear with confidence and compassion.
By July 2023, I reached a milestone: my net worth crossed the $0 mark. Today, it’s sitting just under $50,000. I have a three-month emergency fund, investments, and I’m now completely debt-free.
It didn’t happen overnight. As a single parent recovering from trauma, I didn’t have the energy to grind 24/7. But I kept taking small, consistent steps. And over time, they compounded into real progress.
Why This Matters
When I began learning about money, I wasn’t just looking for financial freedom - I was trying to rebuild my identity. The process of taking charge of my finances slowly helped me regain control, confidence, and clarity.
No, your bank balance doesn’t define your value. But the decision to take charge of your finances can transform the way you see yourself. It can help you believe that you deserve more. That you’re capable of more.
That you’re worth it.
If you’re on this journey too, know that you’re not alone. Subscribe to the She’s Worth It newsletter for free tools, blog posts, and support - and know that every step forward you take is a quiet act of self-respect.
