Why pets are a major reason women stay in abusive relationships

Kids and animals are vulnerable in toxic and abusive relationships. I had both.

For me, one of the clearest signs that it was becoming dangerous to stay wasn’t just the way he treated me, it was the way he started treating my animals. There was more yelling. More kicking things. More threats. And then, one day, he turned that rage on my pets. The increased aggression towards my beautiful animals was a red flag — one of many — that it was no longer safe for me or my daughter to stay.

But when we left, I had to make the impossible choice. I couldn’t take them with me. The guilt of that decision still cuts deep.

For many women, that guilt is what stops them from leaving at all.

Aotearoa has one of the highest rates of family violence in the developed world and we’re also a country full of pet lovers. So it’s no surprise that our furry companions play a significant role in the decisions women make about whether and when to leave an abusive relationship.

Recent data shows that 53% of women in abusive relationships delayed leaving out of fear for their pet’s safety, and 73% said they would have found it easier to leave if there were safe accommodation options for their pets.

That’s not a small problem. That’s a system failure.

Pets aren't "just animals" — they’re family

Abusers know how deep that emotional bond goes. They use it. Threatening to harm or kill a pet. Actually hurting them. Withholding food or vet care. Using the pet as a way to manipulate, control or punish.

Survivors often describe feeling like they were the only buffer standing between their abuser and their animal. Sometimes they stay because they believe their presence is the only thing keeping that animal alive.

Sometimes, heartbreakingly, women leave and then go back. Not because they want to. But because he has the dog. Or he says the cat is sick. Or he tells her what will happen to the animals if she doesn’t return.

I get it. I’ve been there. And I know how soul-destroying that choice is, especially when no one is offering a safe alternative.

The tide is turning — but slowly

The Government has recently acknowledged this barrier, proposing a “small tweak” to make it easier for women to leave abusive relationships with their pets. While it’s a step in the right direction, many advocates say it’s not enough — and I agree.

We need bigger, bolder action. Because a tweak won’t stop women from being trapped in violent homes. A tweak won’t save a beloved pet. A tweak won’t undo years of damage caused by policies and systems that force women to choose between safety and love.

Thankfully, there are some promising developments. Pet Refuge, a New Zealand charity, offers temporary shelter for animals from domestic violence situations. Since launching, they’ve helped dogs, cats, birds, rabbits — even a horse. They work closely with Women’s Refuge and Shine to give women a real, practical path to leave without leaving their animals behind.

If you’re trying to leave with pets — or thinking about it — here’s what you can do:

1. Contact Pet Refuge directly
   petrefuge.org.nz | 0800 PET SAFE (738 7233)
   They offer free shelter for pets affected by family violence and work with other services to help keep your family together and safe.

2. Reach out to Women’s Refuge
   womensrefuge.org.nz | 0800 733 843
   Let them know you have pets and that this is a barrier for you. They may be able to help coordinate support or refer you to services like Pet Refuge.

3. Talk to a trusted friend or family member
   In some cases, a friend or whānau member may be able to temporarily care for your pet until you’re safe and settled.

4. Make a safety plan
   If leaving with your pet isn’t immediately possible, create a step-by-step plan that includes their needs. This might include where they could go, what supplies they’ll need, and copies of their vet records.

5. Know that it’s not your fault
   If you’ve had to leave your pet behind — or are still deciding when and how to leave — please know this: You are not alone. You are not failing. You are doing the best you can in an impossible situation.

No woman should have to choose between her safety and her pet’s. But right now, far too many still do.

If we want to break the cycle of violence, we need to understand what keeps women trapped and remove those barriers. That means not just helping women escape, but making sure they can bring the ones they love with them.

Even the four-legged ones.